Cupcakes & Carnage

I know, I know, I posted a similar image set a couple of days ago.

But this one is a little different because you can see my face. I just uploaded this to Facebook and I usually put stupid, artsy one liners to go with my profile pictures. For this one, I was thinking about saying "People have told me that I try too hard. And I'm afraid they might be right."

But I didn't feel like Facebook and its audience really needed that from me. I felt that I needed to explain that to myself. I think another big part of why that line popped into my head was triggered by watching this video a couple of days ago:

It is for a play my old friend will be in. And there was just so much about identity in it. Questions I thought I knew how to answer, but I really don't. Or I'm learning how to at the age of 22.

I've always had an identity problem. I grew up naturally as a louder kid, but the culture of my parents got them to mold me into something that I, now that I look back at it all, feel that I was never really meant to be. I had a hunch that there was something up because I went to elementary school with kids who were allowed to be loud and mischievous. I feel kind of angry because I don't really think I got the full "kid" experience because I had so many restrictions. But really there's not much use reminiscing about that now because that was the past.

Except not really, no, I still deal with the same problems. My parental units still have these beliefs that blockade me from being what could be the true me. That's what frightens me-- I care so much about other people think. I'm picking up on this better now, but I still have it in me, and sometimes it can be poison.

So that's what that caption meant to me. There were times when I would try so hard to be something I wasn't really, and it would show. I still do that sometimes without fully meaning to. And it frustrates me, because I can never really hit the in-between of all of this. I know I will if I keep trying, but right now, the feedback I've gotten is either that I'm trying too hard, or that I can't be this because it's "unacceptable." And I have unrealistically high standards, so often things are not enough. But you can probably see the problem here. There's not really a place where all of this intersects. I need to work to break all of these down to find a common ground.

I just ended up putting this as the actual caption of the photo:

i've gotten over the fact
that i can't really be the conventional beautiful,
and it's alright.
since when was i ever conventional?

That's enough reflection for now. But I'm on my way, and that's more than I can say about the last while.

- J