Am I Supposed To Make Eye Contact With You?

No Comments »

Disclaimer: Language. And some WTF.


There's this old Filipino cultural belief about status that brings a whole new level of complication to the seemingly simple social necessity that is eye contact. I grew up with parents who had a weird set of semi-modified rules that incorporated North American beliefs and Filipino beliefs.


Which sort of messed me up because I'm a North American.

So here I am, trying to rework my beliefs. It's pretty shit because sometimes I'll get weird looks and I won't even know what I'm doing wrong. Like, don't get me wrong. I am most definitely not blaming my parents for this. I guess that's just how it goes for first generation kids.

An example of me encountering this was when I was in preschool and all the kids, maybe about 20 of us, were eating soup at a round table. I finished up my soup by lifting it and drinking it out of the bowl directly, without the spoon. Next thing I knew, after I put down the bowl, every single fucking kid at that table was laughing at me. I didn't get it. I still don't get it. Like, drinking out of the bowl is faster than using your skinny-ass spoon, which only means I'mma beat you to the sandbox. Also, its preschool. I'm not dining with Obama. In preschool, people eat their boogers and forget to wipe their asses. Oh. What.


My original direction with this is that I'm mostly confused right now by the look people give you when they initially look at you. Actually no, not the first look, but the ones afterward.

Example: You're on the bus and its kind of just customary curiosity to look at the people riding with you, just in case one is a friend, or I dunno, a famous person like Rick Mercer or Beethoven or some shit.

You sit down, people look at you too. Sure, okay, cool. But its when people look back at you a couple more times during the bus ride that things start to trip me out. Why are you looking at me? Is there something wrong with my face? Do I smell really bad and you just happen to be memorizing my face so you know not to sit next to me for the next bus ride we see each other? Do you really want to talk to me? In that case, who's supposed to speak first?

hipsturrr
I did that once. There was this hipster boy sitting next to me, with his beard, Gerber-baby blond hair and straw-woven fedora. And he kept looking at me. Over a 20 minute bus ride, at least four or five side-ward glances. For the last one, sort of curious on my part on what he wanted, I caught his glance and looked him straight in the eye and smiled, and he turned away awkwardly.


My question is-- what do I do with that? :S Was I even responsible to do anything? JUST TELL ME. I swear I'm not going to burn your straw hat.

Anyways, I'd love to hear some feedback or stories of mutual confusion! Drop me a comment, text me if you know me, email me if you know me, Facebook me if you know me, or do all of that even if you don't know me LOL.

Awkward kid, signing out from a REALLY WARM BUS STOP WHY AM I WEARING A SWEATER AND A SCARF LOL RAGE

- Jen ♥

On Guare and Other People's Lives

No Comments »

I was in a class that was studying Six Degrees of Separation, a play by John Guare. Here are some quotes from him that I really felt would be great to share:

"We live in a world of magazines where the new pornography is sort of looking into people's lives. Look at my life! Look at my paintings, look at my sofa, look at my hallway leading from my foyer. People are always trying to make things a comfortable shape. But that's not really possible. We're always walking in and out of other people's narratives."

"It seems we live in a world where amnesia is the most wished-for state. When did history become a bad word? It's extraordinary, our need to move on at all costs and not ask what happened. Life just passes through us. I don't want life to just pass through me."

DID I SERIOUSLY JUST BURN A HOLE INTO MY MOM'S CARPET WITH AN IRON

No Comments »

DANG THO

If My Life Were A Video Game

No Comments »


I'm not going to lie-- I'm not much of a gamer (Audience: INSTANT TURNOFF! I'M GONE, BITCH! YOU SAID VIDEO GAMES--) BUT WAIT, hear me out. I think I have at least a commendable level 1 gamer status-- I've almost completed Pokemon Silver and Ruby-- courtesy of game-erasing siblings, I never finished-- and I've finished Time Hollow. I own a Gameboy Colour, Advance, SP and DS. I love Phoenix Wright, although I admit that I've referenced cheats on more than one occasion... I've almost completed .HACK//LIMINALITY which is ages old, for the PS2, but last boss is... ^

Anyways, I saw a commercial for Mario Bros for 3DS or whatevs is the new game thinger for youths today... But I saw this thing where youths were jumping around throwing their bodies against Mario coins.. And I was like "WHAT IF REAL LIFE WERE LI3K DIZ?!?!1?!"

Then I got sad and started thinking about humans and how they get sad even though everything is awesome... And I was like, "Okay, I'mma convert all of my real life demons into video game characters... Or something."

SO HERE WE GO, YO! My fears as video game bosses, in order of difficulty:

4. DISAPPOINTING THOSE I LOVE & LOSING MY MIND  

Why exactly in purple font, I have absolutely no clue. And also mad awesome shout out to random video game websites for reminding me of the following awesome baddies we all love to hate to love. There really isn't much relevance of why Shredder is placed as number four, so don't think about that and just look at the pretty pictures.

In terms of the problem, I find that I base my life a lot around other people. It is a fault, but I also think that it displays respect. I have some friends who frown on the concept, but to say that this is part of my culture is an understatement. It is one of the biggest sacrifices you can make, and it checks out in my mind. What is wrong with trying to make your parents proud? Sometimes many things, but I've learned and am still learning that finding a harmony between your obligations and your passion is so very important. That's why disappointing those I love is quite a big issue for me,

It's tied in also with the fear of "losing my mind" in the sense that I'm always bombarded with mixed messages. My parents want me to whole-heartedly focus on my education, whereas I know myself well enough that if I only focus on school, I go a little loony. I need art, I need social interaction and I need extracurricular activities. Because I regard my parents so highly in terms of being in my list of life priorities, it is difficult a lot of the time to listen to my desires rather than theirs. So just losing it and being put in that situation is another worry.

Defeating this baddie is equivalent to the difficulty of: Trying to eat ten orders of hot wings that require signing a waver, all within a two hour bracket.

3. LOSS OF BELIEF, RESPECT, FRIENDSHIP &/OR TRUST

Trust is a huge thing for me. So is Vega, who I found out about 15 minutes ago LOL! Accurate in the sense that when you lose a friend or trust from someone you love, it probably does feel like being knifed in the face by a masked fighter!

I'm working on being a better friend, but I believe I'm pretty okay with respect and trust. Belief, in more senses than one, means a lot to me to. I feel there's room for me to put my faith in more things.

Defeating this baddie is equivalent to the difficulty of: Running through a forest, naked, in a Canadian mid-winter, for an hour.

2. LACK OF CONFIDENCE & SELF-DEPRECIATION

I tried to find the most threatening picture of Bowser around, so don't mind the rabid turtle. I think he's a turtle...Er. Matches my #2 personal issue in the way that it probably feels the same way as holding a very spiky, angry turtle in your hands. Probably.

Anyways, anyone who has the confidence problem knows that it is a bitch and a half. You can't help but think about stupid useless crap. There's the problem of over-thinking every dumb detail of ever conversation you've ever had (over-exaggeration?) and then you knock on yourself ten times, only to pick yourself once or twice out of every set. I'm a work in progress on this, and I won't lie and say that I'm over it. I struggle to figure out my worth as a human being and I still have my bad-habit of thinking badly of myself. But I'm getting better, and any step forward is wicked.

Defeating this baddie is equivalent to the difficulty of: Driving a car down a highway with your arms tied to your legs and blindfolded.

1. OBSESSION WITH THE UNNECESSARY & LACK OF CONSISTENT EFFORT & OPINIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE & DISAPPEARING/ BEING FORGOTTEN

SEPHIROTH, YEA. I love this baddy, but in terms of this post, he reps a monster list of things. And it fits because he's a monster. A really pretty one LOL. Number one baddest of the bad for me is that I am so obsessed with quality and whatever else, I look at the small details rather than the big picture. Another, is that I have short bursts of hyper-motivation and then little breaks in-between, instead of having a consistent stream of awesomeness throughout. Another is that opinions of other people greatly effect me, usually in negatives ways. And lastly, I have a pretty intense fear of being forgotten. I'm working on all of these and I am getting better with them, but sometimes I'll slip up.  

Defeating this baddie is equivalent to the difficulty of: Only eating soda crackers and drinking stale water for a year.

... WHICH ALL COMBINE TO MAKE:
THE FEAR
 
Ladies and gentlemen, the worst of our worries, combined. I don't even know who this is but apparently she's one of the most intense bosses of her time. And she looks scary enough, so that works. But the fear is all you see in other people that you wish you saw in yourself. It's the pessimistic view that you will be stuck, forever, in methods and ways that you hate. But remind yourself-- bosses in video games were designed so that they could be beaten. It's hard, but it's possible. Actually, no, it doesn't even have to be hard. Hard is just a word. It's a concept. It can be a boundary. But boundaries are often created by the mind. They're not actually there. So...
 

And an aside, before I end this post:

For those who have read this post and feel... embarrassed for me, or think this is stupid and a waste of time.. I do this as a remark towards a society that seems to refuse to wear their hearts on their sleeves. I'm doing it because I don't understand why the song "Big Girls Don't Cry" exists, and why boys are expected to hold themselves like they're made out of titanium. I ask a lot of questions and this is one of them-- is there something wrong with admitting to my faults? No. Because it will help me figure out what I need to work on. When things are just floating in your head, they're like dreams-- pretty, but thin and not entirely with substance... Yet. "Give your thoughts life, and let me hear that you're human" is sort of what I mean to say. Tell me how you feel or don't feel, tell me how you love life or don't. I don't get why there's shame in that. There should only be shame in refusing to change.

Another one of my fears that has been consistent since about my second year of university is "Oh hell, what if my future employers come across this treasure-trove of weirdness that I have here." I realize that this is me. I'm not being hateful-- I'm being honest. I swear because I use it as expression, not to burn someone. And then, I guess I sort of just realized this right now: it's fine. Stop being so nervous. Be creative and be kind. Be thoughtful and keep thinking. If you don't like it, talk to me and maybe I'll change. It's so important to have people external to your own mind take a look at you and give you feedback.
I want to help people through whatever it is I choose to do with my life. I want to be healthy, confident, happy. I want to be successful on my own terms. I want to make people laugh when I can. Bottom line-- I want to learn. I want to beat the baddies. So lets do it together.

Best,

Jen♥

PS: TISSUES FOR MY SPACING ISSUES :(... LOL

From " Nylon Street View "

No Comments »

" FASHION IS OVER ... IT IS NO LONGER ENOUGH TO HAVE A TRUST FUND AND LIVE AT THE CORRECT ADDRESS. ... THE BLOGGERS, ONE MIGHT SAY, HAVE STORMED THE RUNWAYS. WHAT THIS MEANS IS THAT WE HAVE ALL BEEN EMPOWERED LIKE NEVER BEFORE. THERE ARE NO EXCUSES: NO COMPLAINTS ABOUT NOT HAVING THE MONEY OR THE IDEAS TO CREATE SOMETHING AMAZING WITH WHAT WE WEAR, HOW WE LOOK, AND WHAT WE CARRY. ... CONSIDER THIS OUR VALENTINE TO YOUR CREATIVITY-- AND CONSIDER IT AS MUCH AS A MANIFESTO AS A CELEBRATION. FASHION BELONGS TO US: TO THE AMAZINGLY CREATIVE PEOPLE FEATURED IN THIS BOOK, AND TO THE AMAZINGLY CREATIVE PEOPLE READING IT. WE'RE INSPIRED BY ALL OF YOU. "

Check this book out if you can guys. It's nothing short of amazing, and truly an inspiration.

:: thank you for all your love

No Comments »


i'm very far from giving enough thanks. i just hope that you guys will stick around long enough to a point where i can show my appreciation properly.

:: JACK WHITE LIVES

No Comments »


HE'S BACK! JACK WHITE, MY LOVE, HE'S BACK!! And he's back with his trademark simple but meaningful tunes. Oh, St. Valentines, you truly are a useful little thing! You found me someone to fall in love with again :-) And the lyrics to this one are so eerily awesome... Totally my type of thing. AUGH. AUGH. MY HEART, IT HURTS AND IT HURTS GOOD!

:: reads + An Architecture of the Ozarks: The Works of Marlon Blackwell

No Comments »

BOOYEAH MOTHERFLUFFERS, THIS MAN WILL FILL YOUR HEART IF YOU LIKE WOOD. I picked this book up when I went to my Central when I was actually supposed to be picking up books about something completely different.. But, I mean, who could let up a good book about minimalistic architecture involving WOOD. Seriously though people, as you have probably figured out, I am a big fan of light-brown woods, particularly cedar, used in architecture.

My favourite picks from the plans and building shared in The Ozarks was the Keenan TowerHouse, Arkansas House, and the Srygley Office Building (but only when illuminated.)

Here's Keenan:


HOW FREAKING PERFECT IS THIS?! Wood, an elevator, one simple room, and you get to see everything happening around you! Also a very good spot to have in case of a zombie apocalypse. Love it.

Next is Arkansas:

Not as big of a fan of this one because of it's size... I prefer smaller studio spaces. Maybe if I had peeps to live with, or if a family comes into play... But on my own? Not a chance. I got this in a lottery and I'd be selling it off, easy. Well. Maybe. It's pretty damn beautiful. And look at that wood! LOL

Here we have the ILLUMINATED Srygley:
There was actually a nicer picture of this in the actual book. It's 10x more gorgeous there because it just bursts with linear beams of light and it's at a much darker level of night. Ah wellz.

Here's Mr. Blackwell's firm website: YEUH BUDDAY.

Some of these designs weren't in the book I was reading, so based on the website, here are my added favourites:

CABINS AT FALLINGWATER HNGGGGGGGGGG!!! WOWOWOW, freaking genius. And the name is pretty legit too, wah!
I

I am in absolute love with minimalism, both in architecture, in art, and in life. Another thing I find that I absolutely adore apart from the clever arrangement of wood and wooden beams is the use of glass walls. It has to be walls with me for some reason-- windows just don't compare hahaha! But yes, windows that are open to seeing a cityscape, or more, trees, or even more, THE SKY. Like the above. Perfection, man.


And yep yep, that's it for not. Shud probably go study for the accounting final that I'm going to rulez tmr :-)

later days,

- j

:: my long time questions to modern day society

No Comments »

i am an individual. i am unique in the sense that i am a one-of-a-kind combination of reused ideas. there is no other person in the world exactly like me. there are people similar to me, certainly, as is the same for everyone i think, but no one is exactly like me.

i find this all quite thrilling, but i have been asking myself and almost lethal amount of questions lately, freezing me up and making it hard for me to function. here are some of them (mixed in with statements/conclusions that i've ended up with:)

  • when people say they "don't judge," they can't possibly mean that to the full extent because everyone judges. 
  • what is the point of Tumblr? i understand that it can be a source of inspiration, but mostly, it seems like a recycling of moments of other people's lives.
  • why is it that society, as a whole in general, tends to shun the black sheep when there's nothing freaking wrong with being the black sheep?  
  • Facebook, in my opinion, puts things in whack. I mean this in the sense that its changed the way that people talk to each other. "Catching up" doesn't really mean the same thing as it used to.
SOMEONE please just take me to the forest and hang out with me in an awesome hut. We'll hunt deer and bake cookies and sing ukulele songs and NOT record them and NOT care about how many views our awesome song gets...

but there it is again. YouTube is a great GREAT tool to get your creative content out there, but at what point doesn't it get to be more a contest for views and shit than being about the actual music, or film-making, or... soul? (AUGH WHY DID I TAKE THE PHILOSOPHY CLASS?! Now I question everything that doesn't have a FREAKING ANSWER.)

another thing-- i have the desire to be beautiful, but i have thought about this way too much and almost each time i've hammered at the whole possibility of buying myself clothes, dressing myself up, etc. ... more than being beautiful is being true. which, if you allow it, can be synonymous with beautiful.

my studio art teacher shared with the class an enlightening essay the other day, reading it to us as the class tried its best to draw a skeleton on paper with conte. (so difficult, hahaha.) he concluded with his own thoughts, basically telling us that money should never be the main motivation to produce art as an artist.

i know that sounds painfully obvious, but it was sort of a wake up call for me. and big font so i'll notice it straight-away when i come around in the future.

see, i'm a pretty jealous person. it's kind of my vice. like, i'd never do wrong onto someone out of jealousy. it's just something that i keep to myself-- but it's intrinsically destructive. 

AND MY GOODNESS, I'M GETTING FLIPPIN' TIRED. i hate hating. it's uncool, man. seriously, it's so intertwined with the way i think and breathe and live... it's a lot better than when i was in high school-- i've gotten better at seeing the awesome side of things in the past year or so... but want to rid this self-depreciating darkness out of myself FOREVAAAAA. so i'm working on dat hahaha

hmmm... in terms of my appearance and my character-- more, my being-- i am by no means what is deemed by social standards "elegant," or "sexy." i'm this lanky, filipino kid who likes to wear coats that are too large with leggings. i swear like a sailor, love typography and design, and the fact is, i'm quite the walking contradiction. by this, i mean that, apart from my underlying love for irony, i am a kid who has always not always favoured the thought of becoming an accountant... i'm an artsy-crafty kid by nature, but i ended up on an unusual path.

and despite it all, i'm starting to like it. people i know don't believe me, and sometimes i don't believe me either. its good and well even though sometimes i feel a little like i'm going insane as i buffer between a world of numbers and a world of colours and writing and drawing and singing...

but i hope that somehow, on this journey, i find a way to be elegant and beautiful and great in my own, weird way. and mostly, i hope to make myself my own and to stop giving a shit about what some other people think... because God knows i think about that more than i think about anything else. soooo....

i'm sort of just going in circles with this now, like major brain puke... but i still don't know what i'm going to do about Twitter and Tumblr and Facebook... I've been thinking about it long enough to know that the best idea would be to ditch the world of social media. It may not be like this for others, but it all takes a pretty negative toll on me... But I'm A BIZNE$$ STUDENTTTT!! Social networking seems sort of mandatory...

damn it, this is sort of when i wish there was a manual to guide people in.

business student? Not happy with societal norms? Don't want to be part of social networking but still interested in networking? Then, YEAH OKAY DO DIS !! ---> ________________. if only, right? :-/

i have SERIOUSLY been debating this internally for, continuously, six months now, and on and off since three or four years ago. I DUNNO WAT DO I DO. :-( like, i invested so much fookin time into FB and i have pictures and friends and shit... but like... what the hell man.

and notice how my blog formality sort of just went out the window, puahaha. but yeh, some questions for you to hurt your brain a little. or a lot.

- jen

PS: I LOVE MEME FACES YAYAYAYA




« Previous Entries
Next Entries »