Cupcakes & Carnage

I'm not going to lie-- I'm not much of a gamer (Audience: INSTANT TURNOFF! I'M GONE, BITCH! YOU SAID VIDEO GAMES--) BUT WAIT, hear me out. I think I have at least a commendable level 1 gamer status-- I've almost completed Pokemon Silver and Ruby-- courtesy of game-erasing siblings, I never finished-- and I've finished Time Hollow. I own a Gameboy Colour, Advance, SP and DS. I love Phoenix Wright, although I admit that I've referenced cheats on more than one occasion... I've almost completed .HACK//LIMINALITY which is ages old, for the PS2, but last boss is... ^

Then I got sad and started thinking about humans and how they get sad even though everything is awesome... And I was like, "Okay, I'mma convert all of my real life demons into video game characters... Or something."

4. DISAPPOINTING THOSE I LOVE & LOSING MY MIND  

Why exactly in purple font, I have absolutely no clue. And also mad awesome shout out to random video game websites for reminding me of the following awesome baddies we all love to hate to love. There really isn't much relevance of why Shredder is placed as number four, so don't think about that and just look at the pretty pictures.

In terms of the problem, I find that I base my life a lot around other people. It is a fault, but I also think that it displays respect. I have some friends who frown on the concept, but to say that this is part of my culture is an understatement. It is one of the biggest sacrifices you can make, and it checks out in my mind. What is wrong with trying to make your parents proud? Sometimes many things, but I've learned and am still learning that finding a harmony between your obligations and your passion is so very important. That's why disappointing those I love is quite a big issue for me,

It's tied in also with the fear of "losing my mind" in the sense that I'm always bombarded with mixed messages. My parents want me to whole-heartedly focus on my education, whereas I know myself well enough that if I only focus on school, I go a little loony. I need art, I need social interaction and I need extracurricular activities. Because I regard my parents so highly in terms of being in my list of life priorities, it is difficult a lot of the time to listen to my desires rather than theirs. So just losing it and being put in that situation is another worry.

Defeating this baddie is equivalent to the difficulty of: Trying to eat ten orders of hot wings that require signing a waver, all within a two hour bracket.

3. LOSS OF BELIEF, RESPECT, FRIENDSHIP &/OR TRUST

Trust is a huge thing for me. So is Vega, who I found out about 15 minutes ago LOL! Accurate in the sense that when you lose a friend or trust from someone you love, it probably does feel like being knifed in the face by a masked fighter!

I'm working on being a better friend, but I believe I'm pretty okay with respect and trust. Belief, in more senses than one, means a lot to me to. I feel there's room for me to put my faith in more things.

Defeating this baddie is equivalent to the difficulty of: Running through a forest, naked, in a Canadian mid-winter, for an hour.

2. LACK OF CONFIDENCE & SELF-DEPRECIATION

I tried to find the most threatening picture of Bowser around, so don't mind the rabid turtle. I think he's a turtle...Er. Matches my #2 personal issue in the way that it probably feels the same way as holding a very spiky, angry turtle in your hands. Probably.

Anyways, anyone who has the confidence problem knows that it is a bitch and a half. You can't help but think about stupid useless crap. There's the problem of over-thinking every dumb detail of ever conversation you've ever had (over-exaggeration?) and then you knock on yourself ten times, only to pick yourself once or twice out of every set. I'm a work in progress on this, and I won't lie and say that I'm over it. I struggle to figure out my worth as a human being and I still have my bad-habit of thinking badly of myself. But I'm getting better, and any step forward is wicked.

Defeating this baddie is equivalent to the difficulty of: Driving a car down a highway with your arms tied to your legs and blindfolded.

1. OBSESSION WITH THE UNNECESSARY & LACK OF CONSISTENT EFFORT & OPINIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE & DISAPPEARING/ BEING FORGOTTEN

SEPHIROTH, YEA. I love this baddy, but in terms of this post, he reps a monster list of things. And it fits because he's a monster. A really pretty one LOL. Number one baddest of the bad for me is that I am so obsessed with quality and whatever else, I look at the small details rather than the big picture. Another, is that I have short bursts of hyper-motivation and then little breaks in-between, instead of having a consistent stream of awesomeness throughout. Another is that opinions of other people greatly effect me, usually in negatives ways. And lastly, I have a pretty intense fear of being forgotten. I'm working on all of these and I am getting better with them, but sometimes I'll slip up.  

Defeating this baddie is equivalent to the difficulty of: Only eating soda crackers and drinking stale water for a year.

 

And an aside, before I end this post:

For those who have read this post and feel... embarrassed for me, or think this is stupid and a waste of time.. I do this as a remark towards a society that seems to refuse to wear their hearts on their sleeves. I'm doing it because I don't understand why the song "Big Girls Don't Cry" exists, and why boys are expected to hold themselves like they're made out of titanium. I ask a lot of questions and this is one of them-- is there something wrong with admitting to my faults? No. Because it will help me figure out what I need to work on. When things are just floating in your head, they're like dreams-- pretty, but thin and not entirely with substance... Yet. "Give your thoughts life, and let me hear that you're human" is sort of what I mean to say. Tell me how you feel or don't feel, tell me how you love life or don't. I don't get why there's shame in that. There should only be shame in refusing to change.

Another one of my fears that has been consistent since about my second year of university is "Oh hell, what if my future employers come across this treasure-trove of weirdness that I have here." I realize that this is me. I'm not being hateful-- I'm being honest. I swear because I use it as expression, not to burn someone. And then, I guess I sort of just realized this right now: it's fine. Stop being so nervous. Be creative and be kind. Be thoughtful and keep thinking. If you don't like it, talk to me and maybe I'll change. It's so important to have people external to your own mind take a look at you and give you feedback.

I want to help people through whatever it is I choose to do with my life. I want to be healthy, confident, happy. I want to be successful on my own terms. I want to make people laugh when I can. Bottom line-- I want to learn. I want to beat the baddies. So lets do it together.

Best,

Jen♥

PS: TISSUES FOR MY SPACING ISSUES :(... LOL